14.01.26
Hi im alive and have not forgotten about this site! Fell into the winter hole that makes you feel like shit and where time is weird and am trying to claw my way out but the creature is unrelenting.
14.12.25
Feeling a bit better today, maybe because i managed to get up at 1pm this time lol. It's funny how nearly every time without fail after i have a breakdown about my future i wake up the next day with a milion ideas for myself.
Today i decided i want to lock in and learn some basic programing languages like python and java and alldat, i know html is barely coding but it piqued my interest and made me want to explore other languages. I also downloaded libresprite and made a cute lil goblin girl pixel lol
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Maybe it would be easier to learn if i took a course or smth but idk there's so much free resources and tutorials i feel like id be wasting money, i always learned better on my own i think i'll manage.
I'll try to update the site more consistently and maybe in the future i'll add a section with mini-games if i ever get to making them :p
13.12.25
My Father called me yesterday after i ignored him for like a week and before you accuse me of being cruel, i never had a good relationship with him or really any relationship tbh.
I never saw him as a father because he never acted like one, i won't get into details cuz that's not what i wanna talk about rn but yea he's not great.
Well he called me and went on with his usual shtick of "Wow you actually answered! I should buy a lottery ticket", "Why don't you ever call me?", "When will you come and see me?", "Im an old man ya'know it could be any day now...".
I don't have it in me to keep explaining how i feel to him. No matter how much i pull myself apart and try to make myself easier to understand it just flies right past him, it's like im talking into the void.
Sometimes he does understand, but after a week or two it's like he got his cache cleared and he forgets all about it.
And i feel horrible sometimes, because he's all alone ya know? My step sister lives in the capital and doesn't visit much, his other daughter doesn't talk to him at all, im all that's left. But he's the one who made it that way, and he can't even see that.
While that's happening i just feel stuck, i quit uni cuz i felt like i was putting so much money into something that just isn't for me, i wanna apply to a community collage for English Lit and Culture studies but they're not taking students until next year.
I can't find a job, i go to sleep at 4am, get up at 3pm and just fuck around all day.
Im gonna be 20 soon and i feel like i don't know who i am and what i wanna do while everyone seems to be so sure of themselves.
I want to work so bad, i want to pay back my mom for all the things she bought me even when she didn't have to, for all the doctors visits, my medication, my school.
I want to live with my boyfriend, i want to buy him a ring.
Idk i really just feel frozen while time keeps flying by.
